It’ll Kill Me to Stay and Break Me to Leave

6 Things People Won’t Tell You About Getting Divorced

anne-edgar-119373.jpg

I’m in the thick of it. How is it that I can feel both relief and hurt at the same time? I’m the one that wanted this; I know that leaving is the best option for me and, quite frankly, for us, but my heart is a little sore today. I’m feeling a little broken today in a way that I can’t completely express. Someone should have warned me about these damn emotions, but they didn’t so I’ll share a bit with you:

  1. Even if you know it’s what you want; it isn’t easy. It’s not easy to let go of safety. It’s not easy to unravel a relationship you spent years building. It isn’t easy leaving but it’s no easier to stay. You’re not making this decision based on what’s easy; you’re making it based on what’s right. You’re going to feel selfish; you’re going to think that you should have stuck it out, relationships are hard, right? But the thought of staying will make your pulse quicken and your breath catch; staying makes you anxious and leaving scares the shit out of you. It’s normal.
  2. People are going to hate you. His family will hate you and won’t even try to hide it. People you met together may side with him; they might side with you. You might get calls explaining what a piece of crap you are for destroying a person that loves you and you just have to take it, even if you’re feeling broken, too. You can cry about it later and, believe me, you will.
  3. You’re going to cry a lot… and then a bit more. You’ll cry when you think about the good times. You’ll cry when you realize there were more bad times than good. You’ll cry when you realize those good times should outweigh the bad, but don’t. You’ll cry when your anniversary passes. You’ll cry when you think about your possible future. You’ll cry when you realize you’ll never have it. You’ll cry when you call him and ask him to move out. You’ll cry when he does, half from relief, half from sorrow. You’re allowed to grieve this relationship; it’s okay if it hurts. You’re human.
  4. You might doubt yourself for a split second. When you’ve thought your mind was made up, fear of the unknown will seep in. It’s okay. Those moments of weakness are few and far between at this point and you’ll make it through. We both know how damn difficult this is; it’s more than a break up; it’s a complete demolition of a home you once had. As terrible as that home may have been, sometimes it’s sad to see it come down brick by brick.
  5. Ultimately, only you can make the decision to walk away or to stay. You can look for advice and support; you can scour the internet for a situation just like yours and see what others have done. You’ll want someone else to make the decision for you at first; ultimately you’ll realize that the decision is yours and you’ve known in your gut what that decision was from the very beginning.
  6. There’s a reason you walked away. Time can put a rose-y glow on memories; it’s easier to remember the good times than the bad, but remind yourself that you took that first step for a reason and so long as that reason still rings true, listen to your gut.

Keep your chin up.

-LP

Momma Knows Best

My hands reached for books,
Words have filled my head.
Boys like smart girls,
At least, that’s what momma said.

She had her plans,
A life filled with ribbons and pearls.
College is meant to meet boys;
Because after all, we’re only girls.

Momma, I tried,
I swear I never meant to,
But somewhere along the way
I realized I had a brain, too.

Those books gave me thoughts,
Ideas of my own.
And now I long for to do more
Than spend my days in our home.

But now I’m so torn,
Because all of my life,
I always dreamed of being a mother and wife.

So I jumped into it;
I said “I do,”
He said he loved me
And sometimes I thought it was true.

He told me I was pretty,
I was all he had hoped for;
But no one knew what happened behind closed doors.

I longed for more,
But I tucked it away.
I knew I was lying
Each and every damn day.

I know I’m young,
I’ve got so much left to do.
I’m only twenty-three,
And I’ve already disappointed you.

I wore the pretty dress,
Momma, I read the lines.
I tried so hard,
But I also have a mind.

I long to learn,
To explore and discover.
And all these lost years,
Well they’ll never be recovered.

Momma I tried,
I promise you, I really did.
But it turns out boys don’t like girls
With this many thoughts in their head.

Technically, I’m running.
So yeah, I guess you’re right.
But I can’t fix this
And I don’t wanna fight.

I long for my freedom,
For the wind in my hair.
And we both know I could never explore
If I would have stayed there.

So I’m hitting the road,
I’m turning my back on that man.
And I guess I’ve kind of ruined
The future you had planned.

I hope one day you’ll get it,
You look at me and understand.
I’ve always felt like myself,
With a book in my hand.

I know someone will love me,
They’ll want to hear the thoughts in my head.
When we have a daughter,
She’ll say, “that’s what momma said.”

I’ll tell her to think,
To be courageous and be strong.
I’ll tell her thinking for yourself,
Well that’s never wrong.

I’ll look at her dad,
Wrap my hands around his waist.
I’ll tell her running away,
Was the best difficulty I’ve ever faced.

These mistakes led me to him,
And in turn gave me you.
I’ll say, “maybe after all,
That’s what momma knew.”

 

Guest Post: You Were the Easy Target

It takes two to tango, the bully and the victim.sergey-zolkin-403.jpg

If you’ve ever wondered why you were or are being bullied, odds are, you were confronted by a sea of coddling explanations. Generally, the explanation describes bullies as dysfunctional and the victim as being in the wrong place at the wrong time; but, if you’re bullied repeatedly by different people in different situations, this explanation loses it’s credibility. There’s an itch and anxiety that takes over your being when you come to terms with the fact that these explanations do not fit your situation. What I decided to do was change the question. I no longer ask why was I bullied. I now ask, why was it exactly me who was bullied.

If you ever suspected that you were bullied because you’re fat, ugly, awkward, quiet, small, or smelly then I am just going to come out and say it; sometimes it’s true. Our faults could have very well played a part. Facing the truth causes pain, but its magnitude pales in comparison to what you will endure if the bullying never goes away. Give yourself the green light to be vulnerable as you read this, because I’m here for you. I promise it’ll make sense and who knows, maybe you’ve secretly been wanting to hear the truth all your life.

Don’t underestimate your opponents. Bullies are smart. They command and read social situations with extreme prowess. Bullies pulled the trigger on you and on me, based on one thing alone:

They knew that they could get away with it.

We wouldn’t put up a fight. They knew our friends wouldn’t stand up for us and that their friends wouldn’t reject them for it. They probably could even smell that we wouldn’t tell anyone about it. The answer to why you were chosen as victim is a simple one; you were an easy target.

I’m not saying that their actions are excusable because we’re different; however, we have to realize that sometimes we aren’t completely blameless and their bullying wasn’t just some fluke. We have faults, like everyone else. Unfortunately, they zeroed in on those less than perfect parts of ourselves and made us feel terribly time and time again.

If you’re like me, coming to terms with that answer will be met by a sigh of relief. I stood out because I was awkward and looked funny. The trigger was pulled because I was small, timid, and because my friends were spineless cowards who wouldn’t stand up for me.  Once you’ve figured out the components that made you an easy victim, you’ll know what to fix.

I apologise if this comes off as harsh; I want you to know that my intentions are pure and genuine. I don’t want us to be easy victims anymore. I want us to lose the anxiety in the background that’s keeping us back from what we desire. I want us to become life affirming, to fight for ourselves and to have better, more courageous friends. I want you and me, dear reader, to find love, happiness, and security in the world again.

I’ll end with a lyric that stood out to me throughout these years:

I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holding you.
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

-Owner of dat IP

You’re It

Kiss me each morning when you rise.
Kiss me before I’ve wiped the sleep from my eyes.
Kiss me each evening before sleep consumes you.
Kiss me like I’m the only love you ever knew.

Place your lips on my forehead before you walk out the door.
Place your hands on my hips and pull me in for more.
Place your heart in my chest and I’ll trade mine for yours.
Place your hand in mine while we face what’s in store.

Put your lips to mine.
Run your fingers through my hair.
You’ve overtaken my heart
And I no longer care.

I belong to you, yet I belong to me.
Between you and I; there’s a love I can see.
Lace your fingers through mine and tell me of your dreams.
With you by my side, the world’s not as dark as it seems.

Kiss me each morning.
Kiss me each night.
Tell me if I’m wrong,
Because  it all feels so right.

Remember Me After I’ve Gone

Graze my fingertips with yours,
Close your eyes and feel the warmth.
Lace your hands into mine,
And my heart will melt into yours.

Press your lips to mine.
Tell me you love me as they move.
Leave a trail of kisses on my neck,
Feel my heartbeat beneath my skin.

Notice my breath pause,
Feel my pulse quicken.

Know that I love you,
That I long for your arms to surround me.
Know that I love you,
As your hands dance across my body.

I’m flesh and bones before you.
As I lie beneath you in our bed.
I am more than just a thought
Or a dream you’ve kept hidden in your head.

My darling, remember how I loved you.
The trail of kisses I left upon your skin;
I planted invisible fingerprints on your body,
As you moved within.

Remember how I love you,
When I’ve gone away.
Remember how I need you,
Even if I cannot stay.

When Love is a Question, not a Statement

Don’t settle.

ulz8elesybm-lotte-meijer.jpg

There’s a difference between love and comfort. 

I’ll be the first to say, I know how easy it can be to stay with someone who is comfortable, even when you know in your heart that it’s wrong. They’re not the one. If you have this nagging feeling that something is off; that your heart isn’t truly invested; leave. You deserve more and quite frankly, so do they. They might not understand and they may beg you to stay, but if you’ve got doubts, if you know that you’re settling… you have to get out.

We all deserve to feel an overwhelming kind of love, at least once in our lives. I had years wishing for a relationship to blossom into something that made me feel emotions that simply weren’t there and would never materialize. Wishful thinking turned into resentment which in turn  caused me to become someone I didn’t want to be. I had far too much within me to allow myself to be smothered in a relationship that did not cause me to feel like loving. I wanted more. Maybe it was selfish, but after spending years dying to feel a love growing from the depths of myself, I decided enough was enough when I realized that Lover Dearest by Mariana’s Trench was basically the theme song of my life.

My tongue’s turning black, but I’ll take you back.
You’re still the best more or less, I guess, I guess.

Don’t you leave me,
Well, I’m not sick of you yet,
Is that as good as it gets?
I’ll just try to hide it, or I could slip into you,
It’s so easy to come back into.

It hurts me to say that it hurts me to stay.
And it might be alright if you go.

I wanted to love someone; I mean truly love someone. I was tired of settling for less than what I wanted. Who wants to be in a relationship where you sit beside your partner and wonder if this is as good as it gets? Is this it? Am I going to be feeling this way forever, wondering if there’s more, hoping for a change that you know will never come? If you find yourself in a relationship like that,  know that you’re not alone and it doesn’t make you a bad person to leave because you want more.

It makes you brave.

You might feel like complete and utter shit in the beginning; it’s to be expected. No one wants to hurt another person, but if that pain is a necessary evil, handle it. Accept the blame for being the villain of their story and know that while they may never forgive you, years from now they’ll thank you. When they’re in a relationship that gives them the love they deserve to feel, they’ll understand why you two couldn’t have worked out. And when you’re in a relationship that causes your heart to stir, it will solidify the idea that it was the best possible decision you could make. Now, let me qualify that by saying this:

If you’re thinking the grass is greener on the other side, it’s a lie.

Do not give up on a relationship just because things are hard, or one you want out of because your relationship isn’t all peaches and cream, or even because you two are butting heads; realize relationships are difficult. If you want to end it even when things are good, that’s when you know that it’s not because you’re going through a rough patch, but because you truly do not love that person. If you’re only having these thoughts when you’re fighting or when times are stressful, don’t throw in the towel.  Search within the depths of your heart and determine what your relationship means to you, then go from there.

A true love will come your way.

When it does, you’ll see why it could have never worked with anyone else and you’ll understand what all those old folks meant when they said,

“When you know, you know.”

-LP

I’m Your Built-in Best Friend

Being your big sister will always be my favorite job.

jenn-richardson-112980.jpg

I spent four years of my life waiting for you.

20 years ago mom found out she was pregnant with you and I was ecstatic. I told literally every person I saw that I was going to be a big sister and how excited I was to meet you. I loved you from the moment I knew you were alive, even if I wasn’t quite sure what it meant when mom said she had a baby in her belly. I remember sitting on the sofa when you were big enough that we could feel you kick; I always put my hand on her tummy and talked to you. I’ve always wanted to be the best big sister I could be, but you didn’t come with an instruction manual and I’ve been learning along the way.

I did go to that big sister class, but it didn’t prepare me for everything! Only for how to properly hold a baby, much to our mother’s dismay. I know you’ve heard the story about how I picked you up and moved you at a week old while mom was in the bathroom; she about lost her mind, but hey, I was qualified! I have the certificate to prove it.

I’ve messed up more often than not.

Whether it was that one time I fell backwards onto your head when you were a month old, or locked you in the house when mom took out the trash and I followed her outside, or when I locked you in the running car in the middle of winter while simultaneously locking mom and I outside when she went into her office to grab some papers. It might not seem like it, but I’ve always wanted to keep you safe (even when I wasn’t very good at it).

I was never scared when it came to protecting you.

You gave me a reason to be brave. Remember when dad had to stop me from charging at that kid down the road who spit at you? My tiny little fists were clenched as I stormed down the street after him when you came up to me crying because he was being mean to you.

“No one gets to pick on my brother, but me!” I bellowed at him; “PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE!” It didn’t matter that he was way bigger than I was, because I was bigger than you and if anyone was going to get in a fight with that jerk, it was me.

That protectiveness will never change. 

When you inevitably introduce me to a girl who gives you butterflies, I’m going to do my best to love her as if she were my sister. She better be good to you because you’ve got the kindest heart I know; I pray she realizes that. I’ll be honest; odds are I’m going to be face-creeping the crap out of her. I will have scoured her entire Facebook profile by the time you’ve made it home from my place. It’s my job to thoroughly investigate that gal because you’re my little brother and I care more about you than I care about myself. Even when if it doesn’t always seem like it.

I’ve been spending my life trying to be strong for you. 

When mom and dad got divorced, we lost each other. I was busy going through puberty, dealing with liking boys, and adjusting to a life without both of our parents; I left you behind and I’m so sorry. I should have been there for you; I should have made sure you were okay too. I still remember when you came to me and asked me why we couldn’t live with mom and dad, together. You wanted your family to go back to how it was, so did I.

You were young and you didn’t understand what was happening. Life got way too hard so damn quickly. I felt completely thrown off by the divorce, so I can only imagine how you felt at 8 years-old when life as you knew it no longer existed. I left you behind; when my life started changing, you were too young to come on the journey with me, but I shouldn’t have let you fall to the side. I should have been there for you, but I can’t change what happened; just know that I’m here now and even if I seem far away, I’ll always be the one you can go to with your problems.

I’ll always love you in a way only a big sister can.

You’re my little guy, even if you are a whole head taller than I am. You’re growing up and it’s freaking me out.  You can call me “munchkin” it’s fine, I’m still oldest and therefore, I know best. At least, I pretend to.

I knew you were always watching, so I tried my best to be someone you could look up to; I know I failed more often than not, but I hope you’re proud to call me your big sister.

-LP

10 Vows your Bride Wants to Hear; a 23 year-old Divorcée’s Perspective

Wedding season is quickly approaching and you might feel a bit freaked out and overwhelmed when it comes to writing your vows. Odds are, your bride probably has an idea of what she longs to hear from you on her wedding day.

cayton-heath-60405.jpg

You may have decided to write your own vows or at least adjust them to fit your life; if so, check out this list:

  1. I promise to fight for you and for us; even when it feels like I should be on the other team.
  2. I promise to pursue you above all else.
  3. I promise to hold you in my arms on cold nights, after hard days, during times of joy, and during times of pain.
  4. I swear to hold onto us even when I feel like letting go.
  5. I vow to stand beside you through it all, to lead you through what comes our way, and to protect you, to the best of my ability, from the rain of life.
  6. I promise to be open and honest with you about my expectations of our marriage.
  7. I will listen to you when you come to me with your worries; I will do my damnedest to not invalidate your feelings, but to try to understand why you feel that way. And when I have worries of my own, I will share them with you.
  8. I promise to try my hardest at being the husband, friend, and partner that you need me to be.
  9. I will make decisions that affect us and our family, with our best interest at heart and without leaving you in the dark.
  10. I promise to love you, even when if I don’t think you deserve it, because you are my wife and therefore deserve a soft spot in my heart, even when it feels like stone.

Every bride has the dream of what her betrothed will say to her while vowing to love her, but words are empty if you don’t mean them. So before compiling your vows, look at each one and determine if you can honestly say, at the end of each day you will fulfill these to the best of your ability.

It’s easy to make promises you don’t intend to keep, because the words taste too damn sweet as the dance across your tongue. If you’re vowing to love her; love her. If you’re promising to fight fair; fight fair. I would much rather hear you promise to try to not eat all of my ice cream when I’m asleep in bed, or that you’ll at least think about letting me know you’ve decided to shave your head entirely bald because you found a gray hair, before you actually do it than hear you say pretty words, just because they’re pretty.

Be realistic; don’t promise to never let your relationship change. Promise instead to change with it. Promise to still love your bride, even when she’s sick and sniffly; even when the kids have been so crazy lately that she hasn’t showered in 5 days. (That would be a great time to draw a bath and send her in for some alone time, just sayin’)

Whatever you promise to you beloved; mean it. Do your best to fulfill those vows you made to each other. Put the other’s needs ahead of your own; that’s love and it sure as hell isn’t easy, but it’s worth the effort. The right one is always worth the effort.

-LP

Things I Learned This Week 1.3

rmhsymxupw0-jj-thompson

  1. People don’t always live up to your expectations. It’s taken me quite some time to really learn that you cannot be upset if someone doesn’t do or say what you want from them, especially without telling them what it is you want. Jordan Peterson had some great thoughts on this topic, namely, if you cannot figure out what it is you want, how can you expect your partner to?
  2. Life is rough. There’s no way to sugarcoat the fact that you’re going to get kicked in the ass a few times throughout your life. Ha, did I say “a few”? I mean like every damn day; that’s more realistic.
    NOTE TO SELF: Muscle through it.
  3. I still have the same basic thoughts I had way back when.  Unfortunately, I don’t have any answers yet..
    screen-shot-2017-02-14-at-2-12-12-pm
  4. You can’t eat only potatoes when you’re sick. So I’m chowing down on broccoli and pork tonight. The illness that has been circulating throughout the office since before I was even hired, finally won. I was going so strong, but now I’m stuffy and sneezy and sick. Boo.
  5. Love happens unexpectedly. Okay, I might have learned this about 2.5 months ago, but this past week solidified it even more. The boyf and I have been reminiscing on how the entirety of our relationship began and I have to say, it makes my heart flutter. Just sitting here thinking about all of the feelings I felt the first time we spoke makes me smile more than I dare admit. What can I say? I’m a lucky girl to have such an amazing man.

Learn all you can.

-LP

I am Ordinary, so are You

“Pumpkin, you’re smarter than the average bear.” – Dad

sxbbskmfkde-andrew-branch.jpg

But what if I’m not? What if I’m all-in-all, pretty damn average? 

I’ll be the first to admit that when someone calls me “average,” a little piece of myself dies. I want to pretend that I’m exemplary; that I am “smarter than the average bear.” I’m sure I’m not alone in the desire to want to feel special. I want to pretend that my thoughts are unique; my dreams are entirely my own, and that one day I’ll achieve them. Realistically, the odds of becoming the next great American author are pretty damn low, but that doesn’t mean that I should give up.

Just because you’re average doesn’t mean you can’t do great things.

I might never become a household name; I might never amount to much more than average, but that doesn’t make my experiences any less amazing. The boyf said it best; the fact that he is average doesn’t take away from his experiences, the love he has for his family, or for me. He might be pretty ordinary, but to me, he’s magical. To me, he’s extraordinary in the most normal kind of way.

The relationship we have is unique; who would have thought that two, pretty average people, could experience something so great? Not I.

I’m okay with being average; I’m okay with being in the middle of the bell graph of life. Most of us are, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have unique and amazing experiences. We all have our own uniquenesses; the fact that we all have something special about us, shows how similar we all are. You’ve got passions; you’ve got goals and dreams, just like I do. We might have the exact same ones, but for different reasons. We might have different goals and dreams, but for the same reasons. We are perfectly unique in such a normal kind of way.

In Grey’s Anatomy where Ellis Grey is lucid and so completely distraught at the fact that Meredith is “ordinary;” she goes as far as saying “Imagine my disappointment when I wake up after five years and discover that you’re no more than ordinary.” It’s like a stab to the heart for Meredith and we can feel the heartbreak she’s feeling because we want to be more than ordinary. We want to feel exceptional, rare, and unexpected.

Now I’m not saying that we are all alike in every aspect of our lives, but we do all have some major similarities and I kind of love that.  

You were created by a man and a woman. You came into the world the same way I did. You’re going to fall in love, just like I did. You’re going to hurt, just like I do. You’ve got a heart that sets the tone of your life, just like me. You’re ordinary, just like I am. That makes us pretty damn great, dontcha think?

There’s something beautiful in our normalcy.

-LP

P.S. If you’re a fan of Grey’s Anatomy, wine, and taco bell; head on over to my place. I could use a nice long Netflix binge with ya!